LA MODA PARA EL AÑO 2000 Según un programa de TV en los años 30.

LA MODA PARA EL AÑO 2000
Según un programa de TV en los años 30.

Ready for St. Patrick's Day??

St. Patrick's Day, the one day of the year when 2% of the world's population that is Irish, gets the other 98% completely shit faced) While we appreciate that those who aren't Irish wish to join in celebrating the day St. Patrick (real name: Patrick McPuke) drove the serpents out of Ireland using only the power of God, a quart of Jameson and weapons-grade irradiated cobalt... the way most people observe St. Patrick's Day is offensive and disrespectful:

There is nothing more pathetic than some fat Polack swilling seven Buds mixed with carcinogenic green dye, drunkenly arguing that 'INXS is authentic Irish music' just before barfing into a plate of corned beef and cabbage.

Let's face it: most people are in no condition to handle the all-day drunkfest of St. Patrick's Day.
However, if you follow this simple blueprint, you too can enjoy St. Patrick's Day with no fear that anyone will think you're not from the Auld Sod, even if your name is Achmed Al Jihad.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3 p.m. you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find them in an impaired condition: (We recommend the bathroom floor between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you will probably end up.)

1. 1 quart spring water
2. 1 bottle aspirin
3. 5 pairs Depends undergarments
4. 1 bottle Percocets
5. 1 gram morphine sulphate
6. 1 oz. human adrenaline extract
7. 1 pre-charged electric defibrillator 8. 4 cardiac needles 9. 1 trauma surgeon 10. Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 ozs. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink.

Note: Coffee should be consumed liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented 'Irish Coffee': Unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die.

Arrange to be picked up and taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. I cannot stress enough that YOU SHOULD NOT DRINK AND DRIVE. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends who will take that risk on your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Be the first in line. Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar is at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Killarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans. Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances.

The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use on an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We do recommend starting out with a few more Irish coffees to spike the stimulant level. However, you should not order an 'Irish Coffee' as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry... then some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with Jameson or Bushmill's and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Coat your stomach. It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like the man said in Blazing Saddles:
"Man drink like that, without eating, he is gonna die." If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy. Both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language besides "I'm pregnant": "you're cut off"
By now, you should switch from coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but
remember- beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.

Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

Converse with the natives. By now the bar is definitely crowded, as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should appear twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish
are:

1. Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband.

2. The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the liffey.

If you remember those two points, as well as at least two or three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours.
Continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular. The Home Stretch 7 p.m. to closing hang in there. Your goal of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This is unfortunately impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 equals death, and by now you should be pushing a .35 or a .40. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar on St. Patrick's Day before closing time, with honor, is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one has made any sense since 3 in the afternoon anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.

Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend...

And by now, the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't biologically impossible for you to remember any of it....

Ready for St. Patrick's Day??

Friendly Dolphin Saves Whales!

Delfín salva a dos ballenas encalladas en playa de Nueva Zelanda

Ante la mirada atónita de un miembro del departamento de Conservación del Gobierno, 'Moko' orientó a los cetáceos unos doscientos metros mar adentro.

El experto Malcolm Smith explicó que los hechos ocurrieron el lunes, cuando se había pasado más de una hora intentando animar a las ballenas, una madre y su cría, para que dieran media vuelta y volvieran a mar abierto, informó la agencia neozelandesa NZPA.

Los cetáceos lo intentaron una y otra vez pero quedaron atrapados en un banco de arena frente a la playa sin poder salir al océano, por lo que Smith empezó a valorar la posibilidad de sacrificarles para ahorrarles el sufrimiento.

"Las ballenas estaban desorientadas y exhaustas, tenían la espalda arqueada y se llamaban la una a la otra continuamente", relató Smith.

Entonces llegó un delfín que a menudo visita la playa y es conocido por los locales como "Moko", y en ese momento las dos ballenas se sumergieron en el agua, giraron y siguieron al animal unos doscientos metros mar adentro, logrando superar la larga barrera de arena que las mantenía encalladas.

El delfín regresó a la playa de Mahia, al este de la isla, para jugar con los locales, dijo Smith, quien aseguró que nadie ha vuelto a ver a las ballenas.

Sídney
Efe


Friendly dolphin saves whales

A Playful New Zealand dolphin used to swimming with humans has amazed conservationists by guiding two distressed whales back to sea.
The dolphin led the two pygmy sperm whales 200 meters along the beach and through a channel to the open sea, Department of Conservation worker Malcolm Smith said today.

The two whales, a mother and her young calf, were found stranded on Mahia Beach, on North Island's east coast on Monday morning, Smith said.

"We worked for over an hour to try to get them back out to sea ... but they kept getting disorientated and stranding again'' after swimming into a large sandbar just off the shore, he said.

"They obviously couldn't find their way back past it to the sea,'' Smith said.

Four attempts by volunteers to refloat the pair failed and it was becoming highly likely they would have to be euthanised, he said.

Then the dolphin, named Moko by local residents, swam up.

"It was looking like it was going to be a bad outcome for the whales which was very disappointing and then Moko just came along and fixed it.''

Smith said it was quite possible Moko had heard the whales calling.

"The whales were quite distressed. They had arched their backs and were calling to one another, but as soon as the dolphin turned up they submerged into the water and followed her,'' he said.

"She obviously gave them enough guidance to leave the area because we haven't seen them since,'' Smith said.

"The things that happen in nature never cease to amaze me.''

Moko returned to the beach shortly afterward.

The playful dolphin swam straight back close to shore and joined in water games with local residents, he added.

AP ldj

Friendly Dolphin Saves Whales!

Los titeres de Chavez...

Los titeres de Chavez...

¿Guaridas fronterizas? ¡No faltaba más!

- Colombia actuó con firmeza y razón al amanecer del 1 de marzo en su operativo contra el frente 48 de las Farc. Creemos que un día después no tenía por qué ofrecer disculpas a Ecuador. ¿Acaso no tiene el respaldo de recientes resoluciones de la OEA y la ONU?

No nos sorprende que el domingo Hugo Chávez haya hablado y actuado como lo hizo. Así es él. Tampoco nos sorprende el lenguaje de Daniel Ortega ni que Fidel Castro haya vuelto por sus fueros. Uno y otros son y serán genio y figura hasta su sepultura.

Pero lo que sí nos sorprende rotundamente, es el cambio vertiginoso y total de Rafael Correa, Presidente de Ecuador, quien al principio dio la impresión de entender las razones de Colombia, y después reaccionó poseído por el espíritu chavista.

El Presidente de Venezuela volvió a insultar a Colombia, apuntándole a nuestro Primer Mandatario, Álvaro Uribe Vélez. Es su estilo, su carácter, su talante y su desatino, que raya en la insania mental, puesta al servicio de su afán de recuperar el favor del pueblo de su país que, cada vez más, le reprueba su ser, su locuacidad loca y su hacer.

Chávez casa pelea porque él sí es un militar guerrerista y quiere resucitar a destiempo la figura del caudillo continental que lo desvela. No deja descansar en su tumba a Simón Bolívar, pero tampoco deja que Fidel Castro prepare la suya. Quiere reemplazarlo cuanto antes.

Hasta bueno, para comprobación de quienes todavía lo dudaban, que haya evidenciado su sintonía absoluta con las Farc y todo lo que signifique revolución violenta. Así el mundo tendrá claridad sobre sus inclinaciones, y cómo juega a consolidar el eje La Habana, Managua, Caracas, Quito, La Paz, con él, obviamente, como comandante supremo.

Los ciudadanos de los países vecinos y toda la comunidad de naciones deben entender que Colombia no puede frenar en seco cuando quienes están al margen de la ley cruzan la frontera. Los territorios limítrofes no pueden convertirse en tabla de salvación y guarida de los violentos.

Tampoco, en corredores para el tráfico de armas, municiones y estupefacientes. Menos, en fincas de reposo y aulas de estrategia bélica. Y, como el mundo está globalizado, ni los vecinos ni los no tan vecinos pueden servir a la triangulación de los dineros que oxigenan y les dan margen de maniobra. Ni siquiera se justifica que haya campamentos dedicados a una diplomacia clandestina, así sus objetivos sean humanitarios.

Al amanecer del primero de marzo, Colombia hizo lo que tenía que hacer. Creemos que, un día después no tenía por qué ofrecer disculpas a Ecuador. ¿Acaso no tiene el respaldo de recientes resoluciones de la OEA y la ONU?

La Resolución 837 de la OEA del 21 de agosto de 2003, en consonancia con la Resolución 1373 del Consejo de Seguridad de la ONU, claramente estipula que los países miembros deben abstenerse de proporcionar cualquier tipo de apoyo a las entidades o personas que participen en la comisión de actos terroristas, de dar refugio o albergue a quienes financien, planifiquen o cometan actos terroristas en Colombia y que, de hacerlo, se convierten en cómplices.

Pero va más allá y pide a los países reforzar los controles fronterizos para impedir la circulación de terroristas y reprimir la financiación de dichos grupos. Quizá sea necesario pedir la presencia fronteriza de una fuerza multinacional liderada por Naciones Unidas.

En varias ocasiones hemos hecho un llamado a rodear al Presidente Uribe y a la Fuerza Pública. Ahora lo hacemos con el convencimiento de que es garantía de supervivencia de Colombia como nación digna. Si no lo hacemos y no pedimos el apoyo de los países y organismos mundiales de buena voluntad, corremos el riesgo de dejar de ser.

El Colombiano, Edición Impresa 2008

¿Guaridas fronterizas? ¡No faltaba más!